Still can't face it!

Okay well I got up this morning, knowing full well once again I wasn't going in to work, truth is I just can't face it or anyone for that matter.  Sally is still on my mind and I am feeling guilty.  I don't quite understand the guilt but it is there hanging over my head and I am trying to address it.  It is the strange guilt the blame we feel when we lose someone close.  It isn't our fault, there isn't anything we could have done to prevent it, yet still we feel this sense of blame.  This is something I learnt at 14 and I would have been a very different person had I not have received this dark gift.  I am not sure if it is a positive thing but I had no choice other than to take what I could from it. 

Now luckily I haven't lost her but I can't reach her I don't live near her anymore and we haven't been in close contact for some time.  She is lying there in hospital and I just want to be with her and tell her everything will be okay.  She has been there for me in my darkest hour, when my boyfriend left me pregnant and alone crying for the world I was about to bring this poor child in to.  She held my hand during my scans we found out the sex of my children together she was there every step of the way.  She was there for my marriage to my estranged husband, took a book on how long the marriage was going to last (3 months in total if you are wondering....... she was 9 months out!)  She gave me money to buy food and helped me clothe my children and yet now now in her hour of need where am I?

I cannot be there, I am unsure what I am supposed to do and it is killing me.  To vent and get it off my chest here is all I have.......  I don't want to share this with anyone else but here I can let it out.  Apologies but I have to do this for my sanity otherwise I know what comes next and I will fall again, which isn't going to be very helpful to anyone. It is the knowledge that in this her time of need I cannot do for her what she has always done for me, what she has always done for everyone.

There are many empty gestures I could send some flowers, what is that...... easy and meaningless.  Another text message, lazy!  A Card with someone else's sentiments will never be your own no matter how lovely they sound!  I need to see her but I am so worried that she cannot deal with people right now and what concerns me the most is she needs positive.  Without everyone telling me, as they have been, I already know this and find it quite insulting.  Unfortunately what I don't know is 'how' to be positive if someone could help me in that area that would be most welcome.  I am the eternal pessimist, this is another thing my dark gift left me with.  A talent of ripping every comment, every look, every sentence to its bare bones and finding the bad.............. it has to be in there somewhere, I will not rest until I find it!.

For this reason or until I learn to fake a smile I have to stay away and for this I feel guilt and shame and so I should, because I am!