Still can't face it!

Okay well I got up this morning, knowing full well once again I wasn't going in to work, truth is I just can't face it or anyone for that matter.  Sally is still on my mind and I am feeling guilty.  I don't quite understand the guilt but it is there hanging over my head and I am trying to address it.  It is the strange guilt the blame we feel when we lose someone close.  It isn't our fault, there isn't anything we could have done to prevent it, yet still we feel this sense of blame.  This is something I learnt at 14 and I would have been a very different person had I not have received this dark gift.  I am not sure if it is a positive thing but I had no choice other than to take what I could from it. 

Now luckily I haven't lost her but I can't reach her I don't live near her anymore and we haven't been in close contact for some time.  She is lying there in hospital and I just want to be with her and tell her everything will be okay.  She has been there for me in my darkest hour, when my boyfriend left me pregnant and alone crying for the world I was about to bring this poor child in to.  She held my hand during my scans we found out the sex of my children together she was there every step of the way.  She was there for my marriage to my estranged husband, took a book on how long the marriage was going to last (3 months in total if you are wondering....... she was 9 months out!)  She gave me money to buy food and helped me clothe my children and yet now now in her hour of need where am I?

I cannot be there, I am unsure what I am supposed to do and it is killing me.  To vent and get it off my chest here is all I have.......  I don't want to share this with anyone else but here I can let it out.  Apologies but I have to do this for my sanity otherwise I know what comes next and I will fall again, which isn't going to be very helpful to anyone. It is the knowledge that in this her time of need I cannot do for her what she has always done for me, what she has always done for everyone.

There are many empty gestures I could send some flowers, what is that...... easy and meaningless.  Another text message, lazy!  A Card with someone else's sentiments will never be your own no matter how lovely they sound!  I need to see her but I am so worried that she cannot deal with people right now and what concerns me the most is she needs positive.  Without everyone telling me, as they have been, I already know this and find it quite insulting.  Unfortunately what I don't know is 'how' to be positive if someone could help me in that area that would be most welcome.  I am the eternal pessimist, this is another thing my dark gift left me with.  A talent of ripping every comment, every look, every sentence to its bare bones and finding the bad.............. it has to be in there somewhere, I will not rest until I find it!.

For this reason or until I learn to fake a smile I have to stay away and for this I feel guilt and shame and so I should, because I am!

Fish

Fish: "Add a touch of nature to your page with these hungry little fish. Watch them as they follow your mouse hoping you will feed them by clicking the surface of the water."

Not sure what happened there?  Decided to do a bit of last minute editing and its seems to have jumbled all my posts around.  My last one is Sally.  Why you ask am I writing this, well it has posted my first ever post at the top of my feed and as Sally is in hopital as we speak the mood is a little more sombre than my initial feeling of glee to have stumbled upon this world of blog!........

Now as I haven't finished my story about Sally I just wanted to explain why there are feelings of excitement mixed in with saddness, although I haven't got to that bit yet!  Yes I am a woman, yes I do have mood swings and there is a little bipolar thrown into the mix for good measure or manic depression which it used to be called back when the world made sense!........  I generally spend most of my time explaining myself and feeling apologetic for well just for being me which in itself makes me want to apolgise for apolgising.

Anyway back to Sally my beautiful friend, if I remember rightly we zipped the tent and bid the boys farewell, of a fashion........ I woke with the tent stuck to my face so zipped myself out of the sleeping bag and clambered out.  It soon became apparent that we had almost died the night previous and we were all counting our lucky stars Sally had stopped the car when she did and we didn't venture too far in the night for a wee.  She had parked the car on the edge of a ravine, well it was a quarry and had she have gone another 100 yards (not the best at math) there lay pending death.  So that was what the yocal local had been talking about, bizarre!

Day two of blogging..... I am already hooked!  Okay so maybe the first one I have started is more well open for all but as I have found a box to stand and shout from I am thinking it is sort of best I remain anon.  Have been lying around in bed until 4am until I decided to finally drag myself out and create yet another alias.  Unfortunately only stumbled across this whole thing yesterday and my insomnia appears to have crept back in as I have been lying around blogging in my head since 3am not good, especially as I only managed to get to bed at 1am. 

I do believe my friends and families ears and sanity have just been saved and all without their knowledge which makes it doubly special.  Without my knowledge I have been blogging for years on and off but just on random pieces of paper which occasionally I find lying around every now and then, it has always helped me to rationalise......well life, my life and put things into perspective whilst at the same time not driving everyone around me mad.  But then I forget, sometimes for years, and I slowly start to destroy everything around me again until I remember to vent on paper.

Randomly enough this started out as a business venture but I have stumbled upon this new world of blog, and basically well it has knocked my socks off.  Unfortunately for said business I can see myself devoting a lot of my time to this here blog.  Okay well I sort of heard about it down the grapevine ages ago but I am feeling somewhat left out as though it was a big secret from me.  What a fantastic way to vent and share and after spending last night reading a fair few blogs frankly there are some interesting and bizarre people out there, who I would otherwise probably never get the chance to stumble upon.

Now as I am still not 100% on how this whole thing works I am going to apologise for any spelling or grammatical errors of which I am sure there are many.  However, whilst I get to grips with how this whole thing works I am sure all will be forgiven!

Sally

Decided best not go in to work today.......... Sally is going in for an operation and I am sort of struggling with the whole thing.  We have been friends for what seems like forever I was 21 when we first met so actually 14 years but still seems like she has always been in my life.  The first time I met her was when she drove me and another friend to Knebworth.  Truth be told initially she scared the hell out of me, she was so loud and brash........ and I was always a pretty solitary kind of person.

For some unknown reason which I still haven't grasped to this day it was decided, not by me, that we should all be presentable for said festival....... and as I had already been to Reading I was in fact struggling with this concept of cleanliness but hey who am I to argue and as I said before I was pretty wary of her.  Sally had the keys to the hairdressers where she worked so we let ourselves in and I sat down in the chair to have my hair washed, as instructed.

Now this overall experience was pretty odd as I don't generally go to the hairdressers as a rule, if anything I try to avoid them.  I know you probably find it hard to believe but firstly I cannot bear chit chatting to randoms and secondly the sensation of water running past my ears sends shivers down my spine, yes good shivers the sort of shivers we like although I generally find that sort of thing doesn't bode well when Marjorie wants to know what I had for tea last night........ so for this reason I stay away. 

Sally got started with the water and I tried to remain calm which didn't work for very long and I began to wriggle and writhe in the chair as it was driving me insane.  Anyway she quickly lost patience and smacked me around the head telling me to stop being a ..... (its not a word I can actually use!)  That is how our friendship began and to this day it makes me smile.

So the trip was long I just sat in the back listening to the selection of songs they were churning out The Bluetones, obviously Oasis (would have been rude not to!) and we ended up with Josh Winks on repeat.......   Along the motorway we spotted a group of lads obviously heading in the same direction as our good selves so we decided to hold up placards at the window telling them to stop at the next services.  This seemed like a great idea at the time, especially when Sally piped up "what happens in Knebworth stays in Knebworth", I had never heard anyone say anything quite like that before (which now leads me to believe I must have led a pretty sheltered life) and I actually started to feel quite excited about what I'd let myself in for!  So we stopped at the services
but when they actually pulled up next to us no one knew what to do so we all just sat in our own cars looking pretty embarrassed through the windows at each other.  It was the most random thing ever, in the end we thought it best to crack on with the journey and just drove off!.........

There was a diversion which took us all the way around Knebworth and back out onto the motorway we actually did this about five or six times before we realised that we had been driving around in circles for an hour! I say we I mean Sally as I was just sat in the back of the car chain smoking, listening to music and still trying to work out what the hell had just happened back at the service station!  A police officer told us to park up and camp anywhere as there was far too much going on for them to worry about a few girls trespassing so we found a field and pitched our tent. 

Just as we were cracking open the Gin some lads walked over they were pretty chatty and all g'd up for the gig, one of the lads was sexy as you like, surrounded by an air of mystery and didn't say a word.  He was doing a 'Liam', back when Liam was considered to be the next best thing and not just some annoying middle aged man with a penchant for swearing!  So the battle of the fittest was on, all three of us transfixed we couldn't take our eyes off him.  His friend was chatting away chatting about stuff, stuff which had no importance or bearing on any of our lives we all just nodded our heads politely whenever he paused for breath.  We didn't want to break our gaze, the first to look away had already lost....... and then he opened his mouth!  Now what he didn't say was "I likes to drive my traaaackeeeeeer! but that was what I heard and so we turned over and zipped up the tent midway through his friends nonsense about something and went to sleep.

Well just got in from another busy day of harassing people on the telephone regarding insurance.... urm sorry yes that is me!  I have to make money too though so please remember that the next time you are swearing down the phone. (secretly those are my favourite calls as they get me through the day with a smile!...)

Anyway, I didn't think getting in from work would be that interesting either until I forgot to take my house key off my mum on Friday and she decided take it home with her.  So after lots of running around trying to work out where they were this morning, making the kids late for school and running to work I decided to take the back door keys, genius!  Well that was until in all my wisdom I decided to put the spares back in the door (they will be safer there, well that was my train of thought anyhow!)

So I have spent the last god knows how long stood on my doorstep in the rain waiting for someone to come and let me in.  Which begs the question is my subconscious playing with me? Am I actually doing these things just to jazz up my facebook status without my knowledge.  If so, please stop I actually lead quite an interesting life at the moment so please wait until things are a little more dull!...... again.