Christmas cheer

Okay, well time for me to cheer this blog up....... I understand it doesn't help anyone but it has been a useful place for me to get rid of pent up stuff.

Anyhow Christmas is nearly over for another year and what a fantastic time it has been.  The children have had a lovely time I am possibly ruining them with all the gifts but I just can't help myself.  There have been tough times when we didn't have much but as things aren't to bad at the moment, I figure what the hell!  Now I know it isn't in with the true meaning of Christmas but the whole Santa thing can't hurt.

Its that time of year when I start with the lists of things I intend to give up, smoking is always on that list.  I did try last year and still have the list on my back door to stop me stepping out but I have another motivation as well as my children, Sally.  Last year I piled on the pounds after giving up and as losing weight was the other item on my list I struggled.  I did manage to shed a few pounds when I started again but I really didn't want to smoke again, this year I have to try and find a way to stop and not stuff myself full of rubbish but I went off food completely last time well food of the healthy variety!

I do love lists though especially this time of year all the top 100 shows makes for great tv....... as for the smoking watch this space!

Bad news, they haven't got it all!....... all I could muster for a response was a trail of kisses.  What is that?  I have no idea what I am supposed to do or say right now and so I say nothing, except here where it is invisible.  Is that a forgivable reaction? 

I went to see her the other day just after the operation in hospital she was surrounded by family and her new friends whom I didn't really know so I just sort of stood in the background looking on.  It was surreal all the things I wanted to say to her all the many things I wanted to do for her and yet nothing, absolutely nothing, I can't find anything at all.  I just stood there wasting the oxygen like one big fat waste of space.......... the most odd of responses. 

We busy ourselves all our lives with trivial stuff.  Arguing over the most meaningless things finding words where they are unnecessary, this is an area that I am particularly gifted, and now, now when I really need to come up with the goods............ there is nothing!  Absolutely pathetic and completely lost.  Now sick of using the word I, I feel redundant, I don't know what to say, I I I I ......... I cannot describe the guilt I feel for using the word I but it is the only anything that is coming out of my mouth right now.

Chemotherapy is the next treat she has in store.  She has already been through so much already and it is beginning to seem like this is only the start of a very long chapter in her life............ I just hope the story goes on a lot longer and I could erase this section.

Closing with the same futile row of kisses I sent her xxxxxx 

 

Results.....

Results day for Sally!  Still waiting to hear the verdict, hope to God she is okay and they have managed to get it all out.  Maybe not the most interesting blog for the world, but good to get it out...... no one else I can share it with!

Still can't face it!

Okay well I got up this morning, knowing full well once again I wasn't going in to work, truth is I just can't face it or anyone for that matter.  Sally is still on my mind and I am feeling guilty.  I don't quite understand the guilt but it is there hanging over my head and I am trying to address it.  It is the strange guilt the blame we feel when we lose someone close.  It isn't our fault, there isn't anything we could have done to prevent it, yet still we feel this sense of blame.  This is something I learnt at 14 and I would have been a very different person had I not have received this dark gift.  I am not sure if it is a positive thing but I had no choice other than to take what I could from it. 

Now luckily I haven't lost her but I can't reach her I don't live near her anymore and we haven't been in close contact for some time.  She is lying there in hospital and I just want to be with her and tell her everything will be okay.  She has been there for me in my darkest hour, when my boyfriend left me pregnant and alone crying for the world I was about to bring this poor child in to.  She held my hand during my scans we found out the sex of my children together she was there every step of the way.  She was there for my marriage to my estranged husband, took a book on how long the marriage was going to last (3 months in total if you are wondering....... she was 9 months out!)  She gave me money to buy food and helped me clothe my children and yet now now in her hour of need where am I?

I cannot be there, I am unsure what I am supposed to do and it is killing me.  To vent and get it off my chest here is all I have.......  I don't want to share this with anyone else but here I can let it out.  Apologies but I have to do this for my sanity otherwise I know what comes next and I will fall again, which isn't going to be very helpful to anyone. It is the knowledge that in this her time of need I cannot do for her what she has always done for me, what she has always done for everyone.

There are many empty gestures I could send some flowers, what is that...... easy and meaningless.  Another text message, lazy!  A Card with someone else's sentiments will never be your own no matter how lovely they sound!  I need to see her but I am so worried that she cannot deal with people right now and what concerns me the most is she needs positive.  Without everyone telling me, as they have been, I already know this and find it quite insulting.  Unfortunately what I don't know is 'how' to be positive if someone could help me in that area that would be most welcome.  I am the eternal pessimist, this is another thing my dark gift left me with.  A talent of ripping every comment, every look, every sentence to its bare bones and finding the bad.............. it has to be in there somewhere, I will not rest until I find it!.

For this reason or until I learn to fake a smile I have to stay away and for this I feel guilt and shame and so I should, because I am!

Fish

Fish: "Add a touch of nature to your page with these hungry little fish. Watch them as they follow your mouse hoping you will feed them by clicking the surface of the water."

Not sure what happened there?  Decided to do a bit of last minute editing and its seems to have jumbled all my posts around.  My last one is Sally.  Why you ask am I writing this, well it has posted my first ever post at the top of my feed and as Sally is in hopital as we speak the mood is a little more sombre than my initial feeling of glee to have stumbled upon this world of blog!........

Now as I haven't finished my story about Sally I just wanted to explain why there are feelings of excitement mixed in with saddness, although I haven't got to that bit yet!  Yes I am a woman, yes I do have mood swings and there is a little bipolar thrown into the mix for good measure or manic depression which it used to be called back when the world made sense!........  I generally spend most of my time explaining myself and feeling apologetic for well just for being me which in itself makes me want to apolgise for apolgising.

Anyway back to Sally my beautiful friend, if I remember rightly we zipped the tent and bid the boys farewell, of a fashion........ I woke with the tent stuck to my face so zipped myself out of the sleeping bag and clambered out.  It soon became apparent that we had almost died the night previous and we were all counting our lucky stars Sally had stopped the car when she did and we didn't venture too far in the night for a wee.  She had parked the car on the edge of a ravine, well it was a quarry and had she have gone another 100 yards (not the best at math) there lay pending death.  So that was what the yocal local had been talking about, bizarre!

Day two of blogging..... I am already hooked!  Okay so maybe the first one I have started is more well open for all but as I have found a box to stand and shout from I am thinking it is sort of best I remain anon.  Have been lying around in bed until 4am until I decided to finally drag myself out and create yet another alias.  Unfortunately only stumbled across this whole thing yesterday and my insomnia appears to have crept back in as I have been lying around blogging in my head since 3am not good, especially as I only managed to get to bed at 1am. 

I do believe my friends and families ears and sanity have just been saved and all without their knowledge which makes it doubly special.  Without my knowledge I have been blogging for years on and off but just on random pieces of paper which occasionally I find lying around every now and then, it has always helped me to rationalise......well life, my life and put things into perspective whilst at the same time not driving everyone around me mad.  But then I forget, sometimes for years, and I slowly start to destroy everything around me again until I remember to vent on paper.

Randomly enough this started out as a business venture but I have stumbled upon this new world of blog, and basically well it has knocked my socks off.  Unfortunately for said business I can see myself devoting a lot of my time to this here blog.  Okay well I sort of heard about it down the grapevine ages ago but I am feeling somewhat left out as though it was a big secret from me.  What a fantastic way to vent and share and after spending last night reading a fair few blogs frankly there are some interesting and bizarre people out there, who I would otherwise probably never get the chance to stumble upon.

Now as I am still not 100% on how this whole thing works I am going to apologise for any spelling or grammatical errors of which I am sure there are many.  However, whilst I get to grips with how this whole thing works I am sure all will be forgiven!